I rewatched Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind. I first saw it probably four years ago. I can’t remember if it was sadder this time around, but I cried a little bit at the end. I couldn’t bear to think of losing someone like that, but how would I know? If you haven’t seen it, I strongly recommend it. It makes me want to watch other movies, which I haven’t desired in a while. Some things in my life come and go. I haven’t absorbed any new music for a while, now that I think about it.

Sometimes I feel that the feeling of discovery is such a precious one that it cannot be shared with anyone. I had an opportunity after a revelation to share it with someone. I almost did, opened my mouth to do so, then kind of gave up. I feel that sometimes I cannot express what I want to in words, because the thoughts are swirling around in my head too quickly to speak. Once I speak I’m forced to slow down what I’m thinking and at that point the discovery is not going as quickly and orgasmically as I’d like. And sometimes you think a good thought and the situation you’re in is too mundane for the other person to realize. Language is about synchronization, and trying to get someone to a point that I’m at takes too much time and effort when I’m already completely synchronized with myself.

But ask me to define something in at least 200 words and I’m completely stumped. I speak short thoughts, boiled down to a perfect answer. I tend not to ramble anywhere except my head. Huh.

Today is a good day, I feel. The days are long, the nights are warm, and it’s generally more quiet here at this time of year. Which is amazing, because you know how busy it gets here. There’s always a background hum, but nothing is too rowdy. Sometimes I’m so zoned into what I’m doing that I lose everything else and I’ve completely wired myself into the system. I love systems and micromanaging. I have real problems micromanaging my time, though. I want to do everything and be everywhere at once, and run things and have it all go smoothly. I feel sometimes I get lazy, but other times, I’m just working on some other task that someone has asked me to do. Cooking is often a problem for me. I like to spend an hour making something, but where is the time??? My hobbies come in fits and starts. Other people’s memories go on forever, as they ask me “whatever happened to such-and-such” but I just keep moving forward, still going… my life is not made up of the things that I’ve done, but the mindset that I’m in, and the thoughts that I’m thinking. I can go to the park and wander around and look at the trees, but what matters is that I reached out and touched the leaves and thought “Isn’t this wonderful.”

Maybe I ramble toooo much.

I don’t often experience the feeling of “snapping to attention” but I do know that when I wake up from sleep, it is “the next day” even if technically I’ve only taken a nap and it is still the same day. What happened yesterday is no longer in my immediate thoughts. There is a difference between knowing what’s going on today, and knowing what you’re doing at the moment. At some point, your attention starts over, but you don’t really notice unless you’re on drugs of some kind (or have an attention disorder, probably), and even then, you forget most of everything up until you regain your long-term memory. Can we think greater than we already do? Is there a longer stretch of time that we can utilize for better thoughts? Sometimes I wonder if one day I’m going to wake up and this life was a dream. Sometimes I think my dreams were some other life. Other times I cycle back to the realization that one day I’m going to be much older, and this instant will be long long forgotten to that distant “present.”

Not very sexy, but just thoughts…